Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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