Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
