I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
