Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I know her cup size but not her name....
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
