'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize