Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
