The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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