everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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