booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
