You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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