just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize