So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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