everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
