the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize