I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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