I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize