I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize