Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
