I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
