How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
