dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize