Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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