I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
