I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Operation Purity has been aborted
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
