I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
