Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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