I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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