Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
