I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
