Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
