On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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