i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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