the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize