when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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