The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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