are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
