Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
