***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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