I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
