She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
