Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
