dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
