Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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