The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
