Sry I called you an 8
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
