My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
