I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize