Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize