Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I didn't notice because vodka
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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