my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
