i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize