...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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