I feel like abortions should bother me more
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
she peed on how many people?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
