im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
