OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
