have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
