Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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