i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
