I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Im part way to drunk.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
