you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
